I’m thought to be mild-mannered, and I work for a great metropolitan (and beyond) newspaper, so let’s assume for the sake of discussion that I’m Superman.In addition to fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way, I’ve got some changes I think ought to be made for the benefit of society in general, and me in particular. Hey, I’m Superman. You gonna argue?
And so, henceforth:
Baseball players are to let their socks show below the knees - with stirrups. It’s baseball, not cricket.
Littering will be a felony. And that includes cigarette butts. Ditto loud talking, cellphone or otherwise, on trains, and trying to butt ahead when leaving a plane. That steams me.
Items someone - it doesn’t matter who - should always make sure are in my fridge: banana pudding, tuna salad, pimiento cheese, meatloaf.
The broadcast of singing by Tom Waits or Neil Young is prohibited, as are public performances by either.
Every bar must stock Double Diamond ale, on tap. And, say, Stella, Carlsberg and Harp (or at least two out of the three). And Guinness or Murphy's stout, for when I feel more heavy.
All dentists are required to use nitrous oxide upon request. Lots of it.
No more designated hitter.
TV and radio talking heads will be subject to fact-checking and review. More than five distortions, outright lies or blatant examples of idiocy, and it’s off the air for a month.
Facebook must return to the old practice of showing only a person’s most recent status update.
Professional basketball? Hockey? I don't think so.
The willingness to eat bugs, exotic internal organs or small slithery creatures will not be sufficient reason to have a TV show.
No college football polls before the second game of the season.
No commercials before movie screenings. Instead, a return to cartoons.
Women will not make the same amount of money for a tennis tournament unless they play the same number of sets as men.
No long-term guaranteed sports contracts.
Barq's will be the official and only root beer, and grape, orange and strawberry flavors will return. In glass bottles with blue labels.
No Christmas lawn decorations until after Thanksgiving.
Science will turn the attention of its greatest nutritional minds to subtracting all the calories (but none of the taste) from Cinnabons, Butterfingers and Snickers.
Leather and/or stretch pants will not be sold in a size above medium.
Oh, and June 28? National holiday.
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