Gooooaaaallll!

Inspired by the World Cup, I’m trying to give a damn about soccer. Any kind of damn. It isn't easy.

Part of the reason, I know, is that the only soccer I've ever witnessed in person involved a field full of 8-year-olds running around somewhat randomly, every now and then kicking the ball in no particular direction. I quickly realized that the only way for this to be entertaining was to have a blood relationship - and I mean a close one - to someone on the field. I didn’t.

I’ve seen professional soccer played on TV, and did appreciate the difference in skill level. Those guys certainly have a way with their feet - stutter stepping, juking, hands unemployed - why, I bet they’d be naturals on the Riverdance stage.

But the result seemed all-too-similar to that of the 8-year-olds: one or more players would scheme to get the ball close to the relevant goal, and then some opposing player would intervene and kick it WAY THE HELL to the other end of the field. At which point the process would take place again, in reverse.

It was a little like watching a basketball game in which nobody makes a shot, with the occasional minor drama of someone bouncing a lob pass off his head toward the basket.

My effort to get excited is further complicated by the fact that I have no particular allegiance to my U.S.A. home team. A couple of countries that I could support for genealogical reasons - Scotland and Ireland - failed to qualify. (Slovenia made it! North Korea! What’s wrong, Scotland and Ireland?) England did qualify, and is, in fact, considered one of the stronger contenders. But I have a curious lack of enthusiasm for the English team. Maybe, because of David Beckham, I unfairly associate it with the Spice Girls.

Still, I know that some sort of rooting interest is necessary if I am to give that damn. And so, after careful consideration, I’ve decided to support Brazil, the five-time winner and favorite.

Am I shamelessly boarding the bandwagon? Not at all. It’s just that my extensive research determined that, of all the teams, Brazil has the coolest jerseys. Shirts. Whatever.