How to Hydrate a Cat

1. Have a cat actually in need of hydration, perhaps for kidney issues. One way to tell: his skin has taken on the elasticity of a prune’s.

2. Have the foresight to have married a vet or vet tech.

3. Absent that, try to get the cat to drink more liquids by spiking his water with clam juice.

4.When that fails (he’s no fool), try seafood stock.

5. When that fails (perhaps he’s watching his sodium intake), buy a bottle of electrolyte solution intended for hydrating infants. Try to hold the cat still while you shoot it down his throat with a syringe.

6. When that fails (and startles the hell out of him), spend $50 on a device that offers a constant flow of enticing, filtered water.

7. When that fails (the constant flow is accompanied by a constant unenticing electric hum), be thankful that your wife volunteers to go to the vet and learn how to administer subcutaneous injections.

8. Try not to express visible horror when she comes home with the kind of plastic drip bag that reminds you of your unfortunate trip to the hospital last summer, and a collection of needles.

9. Find a spot your cat enjoys and will be comfortable in during the procedure, like the bed, which is as much his as yours anyway. Lie down with him near your shoulder, and encourage him to be still and nuzzle your chin the way he loves to at 5:30 in the morning when you’re trying to sleep.

10. Secure the cat gently but firmly as he realizes that something sharp and pointed has entered his flesh.

11. Be supportive of your wife through her initial trial-and-error jabs -- some of which poke completely through the skin, others of which become dislodged and spray you and the bed -- keeping in mind that you didn’t have the guts to do the job yourself.

12. Stroke the cat’s head and face in a manner that says, This too shall pass. Try to remind yourself of the same thing.

13. When the process is completed in five minutes or so (trying to do it faster can result in a leaking cat), give him a treat of his very favorite canned food so he will have pleasant associations.

14. Give yourself a treat of your very favorite canned or bottled beverage, for the same reason.

15. Repeat Step 14 as needed.